|
Dear Friends, My wife
is fond of saying that my last
words on this earth will be something akin to "Well, I
have out done myself once again." No doubt you will
see this true story chronicled in a Life Time movie in
the near future. Here goes...............
Last weekend, I spied something at the Pawn shop that
tickled my fancy.(Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy"
is easily tickled.) I bought something really cool for
my wife. The occasion was our anniversary, and I was
looking for a little something extra for my sweet
girl.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of
you who are not familiar with this product, it is a
less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs
designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of
high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee
to safety.
The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but
allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You
simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed
assailant, push the button, and it will render him a
slobbering,goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering,
pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these
things in action, then you're truly missing out-way
too cool! Long story short, I bought the device and
brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and
pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed.
Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin'
directions), I found, much to my chagrin, that this
particular model would not create an arch between the
prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect.
I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and
pressed it against a metal surface, that I'd get the
blue arch of electricity darting back and forth
between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I
did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity,
and a loud pop!!!
Yipeeeeee . I'm easily amused, just for your
information, but I have yet to explain to her what
that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking
to myself that it couldn't be all that bad, with only
two triple-a batteries, etc.,etc.
There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently
(trusting little soul), reading the directions (that
would be me, not the dog) and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood
target. I must admit I thought about zapping the dog
for a fraction of a second and thought better of it.
She is such a sweet pup, after all.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to
protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at
the time.
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top,
with my reading glasses perched delicately on the
bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in
another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second
burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms, and a loss
of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground
like a fish out of water.
All the while I'm looking at this little device
(measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two
itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no
friggin' way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but
I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well, have
got a pretty good idea of what bad sound, rational
thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?.
I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for
the hell of it.
(Note: You know, a bad decision is like
hindsight-always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that
it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it
seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the
button, and......... HOLY*****!!!! I'm pretty sure
that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door,
picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed
me on the carpet over and over again!! I vaguely
recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,
soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position.
The dog was standing over me making sounds I had never
heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to
herself, "do it again, do it again!"
(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with
a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing
as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're
not going to let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about
on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't
dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh
like yours truly.)
SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I
can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this
point), I collected my wits (what little I had left),
sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses
were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get
there???
My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with
Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or
take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has
anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm
offering a reward. They're round, rather large.
Miss 'em.
Sure would like to get
'em back.
|